Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
