I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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