I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
