me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
