I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
