yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
