WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
