We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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