he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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