my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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