last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dicks are not precious.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
