Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
