Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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