I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
