there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
