she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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