So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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