Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
