I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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