Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
