I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
