guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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