His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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