awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
