News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
