if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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