I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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