i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
