I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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