What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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