fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
