That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
