he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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