Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The adults are the big ones right?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
