At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
