Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
