My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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