please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
