I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
