I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
