New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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