I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
