his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
