Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
