hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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