see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
