Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize