I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
