im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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