i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
