Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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