You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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