new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
