More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
