Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
