he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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